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Love is not a game for sissies

26. November 2015 - Ego & selvsabotage
Af: Louise Schønnemann – Integrative shadow coach
Love is not a game for sissies by Louise Schønnemann – Integrative shadow coach

Why is it so difficult to maintain unconditional love in our relationships? Why does it have to be so painful to be a part of one? Why is it so endlessly hard to achieve the true love, we basically long for?

Deep in our hearts, we all long for the unconditional love, which - without demands and expectations - surrounds, embraces and loves us exactly as we are.

Seen from a spiritual point of perspective, deep in our hearts we long for “returning home” to the sole world, we came from, before we chose to incarnate in our human body. We long for the feeling of being surrounded by the universal, divine energy. We long for reconnection with this place, where no judgement, fear and separation exists.

Psychologically speaking, all the cells in our body long for the comforting sense of deep cohesion, which we felt back in our mother´s womb. It was a time, where limitless nutrition floated to us, and we were safely able to be, who we were – without conditions, demands and involvement. We had a feeling of total accept and surrender to what was around us.

Throughout life we – spiritually and psychologically – search for the reconnection with this feeling in our relations to our parents, spouses, partners, our children - and for some people even in their relations to co-workers/bosses.

But on the contrary, again and again we discover, that we don´t find unconditional love.

We experience rejections, deprivation, betrayal, absence, loneliness, jealousy, emotional shutdown and dissociation. And we suffer emotionally.

But instead of suffering in the search for love, we can choose to see the longing for it as a natural consequence of the egos split from love, and the souls longing for reconnection with the eternal love. And from that perspective, we can let the distress go and see our relations as life-essential mentors, who force us to raise our self-consciousness, again and again.

✽More from the english edition - Fear, the ego and self-sabotage

To obtain this perspective, it´s necessary to understand, why we simply can´t meet and greet the world with an open heart and deep feeling of total embracing love in this life.

The split from unconditional love

When your soul chooses to incarnate on this earth, you were born into this world. From birth you were naturally physically separated from your mother and from the symbiosis, you had experienced in her womb. Back then, a psychological process naturally began, in which you slowly started learning, that you were “you” in contrast to the outer world. Your ego started developing.

We all have an ego; a function in our consciousness, which intention is to make us experience, who we are as humans beings. Your ego creates your identity. You need your ego to be able to navigate in this world and separate “yours” from “mine”.

✽More from the english edition - How to make your own personal manifestation altar

If you have a healthy ego, it means, that you´ve been surrounded by accept, you´ve been acknowledged, you´ve been seen, heard and listened to as a child. You´ve had your needs covered, both physically and emotionally. You´ve been respected, for who you are. You´ve been challenged to development at the speed, you needed. And you have generally had a start to life, where you feel loved by your caregivers and are able to feel your own needs and say “yes” or “no” without imposed guilt and shame. You understand, that you´re you, but also part of an entity consisting of all other people, whom you must respect, acknowledge and like as they are.

Unfortunately, far from everybody has had this start to life.

As kids, most of us have experienced our parent´s lack of presence, empathy, respect and their boundless behavior. We´ve had parents, that weren´t present emotionally, because they had their own inner battles. We have experienced not being met, seen, listened to and respected in our emotional expressions. We were yelled at, when we showed special sides of ourselves, and rejected when we didn´t behave properly.

Early on, we therefore learned, that we were no longer a part of an unconditionally loving entity, but were instead an independent individual, who had to protect it-self emotionally in order to survive.

We experienced, that love was attached, to how we behaved. We had to behave ourselves in a certain way and do something right to earn accept and attention from our parents and other caregivers.

And that hurt. Really hurt.

The feeling of non-love has for all of us been very painful, and that’s why, we started shutting down, repressing and suppressing these painful emotions. We put a lid on loneliness and the feeling of betrayal and rejection. We tried to forget, that we were not loved unconditionally. We protected ourselves.

✽More from the english edition - “Don’t wish it was easier. Wish you were better.” English edition

Our defense -mechanisms develop, and we started coming up with all sorts of survival-strategies in hope of reconnection with the feeling of being acknowledged, seen, heard and loved, for who we are. We pleased, adapted and pushed ourselves beyond our own limits. We suppressed our own needs and did things, that weren´t healthy for us. We put a lid on it, hid our true selves and started wearing masks.

All of this, we did hoping, that we can make others love us as we need to be loved – as we deep inside remember, that we were loved sometime long ago.

The search for love

Throughout life, we search everywhere for the feeling of returning to “the unconditional love”, that we lost, when we were separated.

Throughout life, we chase the illusion of unconditional love being found in our relationships, friendships, in our relations to children, co-workers and in jobs.

For short moments we think, we ´ll find unconditional love again – that we´re “back home”. As an example, when we fall in love, we feel loved again. We think (hope), that we´ve re-found, what we needed in order to feel complete again. We even say, that “the other person completes me”.

But that is an illusion.

We exchange the feeling with the love, that we came from, - the pure, uncontaminated love-energy, that doesn´t make demands, that doesn´t hold a grudge, that doesn´t expect anything from us and simply acknowledges everything about us.

✽More from the english edition - Good Feng Shui is everything that makes you happy

And when everyday-life kicks in, the love and affection wears of and the vail of illusions falls aside, we experience “the greater reality” again. We see that the “all-embracing love” is in fact not at all that embracing. Once again, we feel, that we´re not unconditionally loved and acknowledged.

We are reminded of childhoods painful experiences of rejection and non-accept again, and we feel the deepest grief. Pain and longing reaches the surface, and once again our earliest memories of separation and dissociation from love are awoken and painful.

In a blaming manner, you look towards the other and give him (or her) the fault for you feeling the painful feelings again – You blame him for them reaching the surface again. And you blame him, because the illusion of “reconnection with unconditional love” broke.

That is why, we all experience, that our closest relations can activate our most painful memories from the past.

And this is where, the conflicts in the relationship start occurring. This is where serious trouble begins. A lot of couples end their relationships, because they simply can´t stand feeling the pain of their past, when it´s re-activated in the present by another human being.

Love is not a game for sissies

We have to end our on-going aspiration for “unconditional love” in our relations and begin acknowledging them as encounters, which reopen old painful wounds again, so we´re able to welcome them with our own love, accept and care.

✽More from the english edition - Umahro’s 10 Dietary Commandments Anno 2015

We must see our relations as encounters, which forces us to work with the love for ourselves and all that we are and have experienced.

There´s no way out of it. If we are not able to love ourselves in the deepest corners of our human presence, we won´t be able to experience the ultimate surrender to the universal love or for someone other.

It takes an “inner clean-up” in all the old traumas and deepest shame of who we are as a person. It takes self-forgiveness to accept ourselves in the shape, we´re in right now.

It is not necessarily an easy journey. It takes courage. It takes self-knowledge. And other than just surviving, it takes a higher level of consciousness and willingness.

You have to see the journey to love as a spiritual journey of solution, where you again and again will have to meet your own defense–mechanisms, fear and ego-driven-actions with deep care and gratitude for its (yet primitive) attempt to protect you.

Dare to keep your heart open and meet others from this place – a place of deep love for all of what life is trying to teach you about yourself through your encounter with others.

As Marianne Williamson says in the foreword of David Deidas book “Dear Lover”:

“Viewed spiritually, romance is, in its divine essence, a temple space. It is one of God´s laboratories, a mode of spiritual transformation. It is, when held this way, a sacred opportunity for souls to jump past the confines of the narrow self, to take quantum leaps forward into new and uncharted emotional possibilities. There love corners us, putting a mirror up to our faces and demanding that we surrender: surrender the hurt, surrender the past, surrender the walls, surrender the blame, surrender the defenses, surrender the limits, surrender the fear….Love is not a game for sissies:”

✽More from the english edition - Are you postponing and procrastinating the things you want to do?

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